Tag Archives: flesh

Don’t have kids!

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Don’t have kids.

The birth process is a process that isn’t a one time occasion. The birth process happens over and over again as you push your child into new experiences… sometimes it’s a gentle push, sometimes a strong push and sometimes a push that you can’t keep from happening. And, guess what? All that pushing hurts just as much as the first time. It doesn’t matter that it’s not physical pain. That moment your child steps on the bus to go to school, or go to co-op if you homeschool, or go anywhere without you… that first moment hurts. That moment when you find out that someone mistreated your child and there’s nothing you can do to prevent it other than send your child back into the world with support, and a game plan for taking on their own battles. That moment when you have to admit that you can’t control your child’s actions, and that sometimes they are going to make horrible choices.

The moments go on and on, and each time you go through the birth of these moments, your heart bursts into a thousand tiny pieces with the intensity of a firework. And, while it doesn’t burst with a singular emotion, there always seems to be an undercurrent of pain flowing through the moments. Your child goes off to college – you feel pride, joy… and pain at the leaving, at the separation. Your child gets left out from friend gatherings – you feel anger, sorrow… and pain at the injustice.

I didn’t expect any warning about whether or not to have kids, but here is my warning to you… expect pain, expect to feel. more. deeply. And, expect joy. The same joy and rush of relief that you experience at birth when your baby finally emerges is similar to the joy you experience when your child separates from you and bravely takes on the world.

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Tonight, my second son is courageously following his passion for cooking, and moving to another state 2000 miles away to pursue finding a job at one of the top restaurants in Denver.

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First Knot

Inside my soul a knot of tightly wound veins, arteries and flesh pulsates with hope, pain, love, dreams, aspirations and creativity winding and winding around each other emanating from the child giving birth to a child. Only a firstborn can occupy this sacred space. The living moment where mother and child are born for the very first time. And the rebirth continues over and over each time there is positive movement, each time there is negative movement. All pushing the other into becoming stronger, more loving, better than before.

The knot expands tying up and untying hurt and the joy. Intermingling.

Don’t mistake the knot for favoritism, for there are other knots to be found. Yet nothing can replace the very first knot. The first knot begetting new life.

To my very dear Elijah, I am so proud of you tonight and always. Pouring your sorrow, pouring your joy, pouring your growth into melodies of living.

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+30 Struggle

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The body, the flesh part of this journey of mine, has been making me crazy lately. Three times a week I weigh myself and take a picture of the scale to send to my trainer. For the past 3 months, I’ve been gaining and losing the same eight pounds. Overall, I’ve lost about 55 pounds with most of them coming off when starting a food plan with my trainer on June 22, 2012. Most weeks I do zumba, run, lift weights or do boot camp at least 4-5 times per week and sometimes more than once per day. I’m becoming weary. I’ve been really angry about food for the past month, at least. I’ve been struggling to limit my carb and sugar intake. Seeing that number on the scale at the beginning of the day can dictate the rest of my day. Lower number, happier me which leads to the ability to make better choices. Higher number, pissy me which leads to less motivation and will power. I am at this odd halfway mark stuck in my own personal temporal loop. Why can’t my body comply to shedding a few more pounds without having to limit my food as much? Why do I have to workout so much just to maintain what I have already lost? All that to say, I saw this image and quote from Muhammed Ali this week on Facebook resonated with my soul. I feel that way. I have something in common with Muhammed Ali. 

 

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+27 Nestled in bed

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The best intentions led to working out in the morning followed by a very, very long nap nestled between my flannel snowflake sheets and quilt and knit in on the side by my two puppies.

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+26 A return

Today was spent preparing for my husband’s return from a business trip. I wish I could say I did something creative today, but instead I cleaned and wasted far too much time on facebook.

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+21 +22 +23 Pear-shaped

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As an artist, I feel that I shouldn’t go into any explanation in regard to this piece. As a writer, I am tempted to do so. For now, I leave it to the interpretation of the viewer.

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+16 Personal space

+16runtreeWhen I need to clear my head, I run. A year ago I never would’ve imagined myself uttering those words. Every step forward is a physical reminder of my inner strength and when I don’t think I can go any further, I pray. “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.” Yesterday, I ran with a pack of angels. Normally, I run alone. (Pictured above is my most favorite running trail)

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+13 Nuts and bolts

Today was a nuts and bolts kind of day… literally. Jeff and the coal boiler installer, Matt, worked in the basement on the new boiler non-stop from 7:30 am to 6:30 pm. The kind of work they did is just not the same kind of work you’d be doing in a modern house… Jeff had to chip away at the cement to change the opening from 4″ inches to 8″ inches to accomodate the exhaust pipe (I *think*). And, because a metal plate from the new (used) boiler was missing, Matt decided to cut a piece of sheet metal from the old boiler and fabricate it into a usable piece on the new boiler. This kind of work fascinates me and reminds me of times long gone by. I wonder what would happen if our country had to suddenly start manufacturing more of it’s own products again rather than outsourcing to other countries. Would our population know what to do? Would we be able to think mechanically or have the right tools? I realize there will always be a segment of the population that passes on knowledge or studies that sort of thing, but I tend to think that this type of knowledge was more commonplace a hundred years ago. Matt shared with us that he never imagined that he’d be getting calls from all up and down the east coast asking him questions about coal boiler installation and burning coal. I realize that coal is looked upon as “dirty” and damaging to the environment, but the truth, at least for residents of Pennsylvania and nearby states is that burning coal creates a smaller carbon footprint than oil when you factor in that it is local to PA and surrounding states and doesn’t have to be shipped from overseas or very far at all. I am looking forward to burning coal because it will also represent not being dependent on another country for my heating source. I will be paying a little more than 1/3 of what I was paying for oil equaling more money in my pocket and less in the pockets of foreigners. Oh, and I’ve been told that coal keeps houses warmer than oil or gas heat… but, I’ll give you the 411 on that fact once I have experienced it for myself.

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+9 Thank you. I’ll keep my problems, you keep yours

There’s a saying that God never gives us more than we can handle. In most cases, I believe this is true. Today, I am keenly aware that I choose my problems over those around me. I’d much rather be dealing with my lack of heat and generating money for a new heating system, than be looking down the nose of cancer with very little prospects of surviving. I’d much rather be shoveling the dirt out of my 112 year old basement than sitting in a lawyer’s office wondering if I will ever receive justice.

Good things happened today; unexpected breakfast with a friend at my favorite place, enough money in our bank account to make the deposit on the new heating system, sweet texts from my baby girl.

Thank you, God, for not giving me more than I can handle. Please help my friends. Image

My nemesis, the 60+ year old broken boiler in the scary basement.

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+8 Creatively surviving

Or, how to live in a house without hot water and heat. Rather than bore you with the details, I’ll just say that anytime I lose heat or power, I realize how grateful I am to have these modern luxuries and how hard daily life must be for those who do not have them.

Since I haven’t been doing anything creative artistically speaking, please check out these entries from this week’s Soulful Saturday theme:

Celebrine’s entry

Renee Cauller’s entry #1

Renee Cauller’s entry #2

I’m sure both artists/writers would love input on their work.

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